I long for a vice.
If I smoked, I would’ve lit something up.
If I drank, I would’ve chugged something down.
If I swore, I would’ve cursed like a sailor.
Last night I was marking up a brand new dry erase calendar for the refrigerator. You may think that sounds about as exciting as watching grass grow, but I love it. I was also filling in a new appointment calendar. Again, to some, mundane. To me, much fun. As I was completing my tasks, I looked at what I had written for Monday, December 8th.
Parent-teacher conferences. Monday. December 8th. It was Monday, December 8th, and it was approximately 3 1/2 hours past the appointed time. I’d written the date down correctly, but in my mind I was thinking that the 8th was Tuesday. My mind clearly needs some work, especially considering how much I love calendars.
I sent a quick e-mail to the teacher and was able to reschedule. The Husband may or may not be able to join me and the girls will both be there as well, but it will work.
Then this morning. The doctor’s appointment that the nurse insisted I have. I drove Big Sister to school and dropped Li’l Bit off at a friend’s. I stayed for probably a little over twenty minutes visiting. As I exited her home, I noticed a police cruiser parked across the street. The officer was eyeing my vehicle. As I approached it, she (crap) asked me if it was my car. The answer I wanted to give: No, but I saw you and wanted to pretend to try and steal it. I lack excitement in my life. The answer I did give: Yes, ma’am. She asked me who <insert The Husband’s name here> was, and I replied that he was my husband. She walked toward me with a little notepad in hand, scribbling something.
OFFICER: Do you see how you’re parked?
ME: Over the sidewalk, right?
ME: If I’d pulled up any further…
OFFICER: You wouldn’t have been able to get the baby out. I understand. That’s why I’m just giving you a warning.
I stared at the yellow slip of paper in my hand. 32-years-old, and this was my first warning. Ever. I was even (unknowingly) speeding through a school zone once and only got a gentle talking-to. But my first written warning was because I parked over a sidewalk. I am a total menace to society. Or at least homeowners’ associations.
I got back in my car and drove to my very important appointment. There was no parking at the office.
I am 32-years-old, and this was the first time I had to parallel park. I didn’t even have to on the driving test. I can do a 3-point-turn with the best of them though.
I walked in the office, filled out my name and sat. Yay for the December 12th issue of Entertainment Weekly. (Jennifer Aniston swears. Maybe that’s her vice.)
My appointment time was 10:30 a.m. I read. I glanced at my watch. 10:45 a.m. Then 11:00 a.m. At 11:15 a.m., I walked to the reception desk and said I was going to have to go. She assured me I was the next to go back, as soon as a room opened up. I told her that unless the doctor was going to see me immediately and have me out at 11:30, I was going to need to go. The receptionist said, “Well, we worked you in.”
Deep breath. Smile.
“I didn’t ask to be worked in. In fact, I said I didn’t mind waiting for the appointment I had originally. But I figured if the nurse asked me to come in today twice, it might be important.”
They found my original appointment and I will return then.
Smoke ’em if you got ’em. Bottoms up. $#&%.