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Dear Celebrities

December 2, 2009

Dear Celebrities,

Actually, that should be Dear Male Celebrities Who Can’t Keep It In Their Pants.  Please allow me to offer you some tips on how to properly have an affair.

First, if you’re going to send text messages, get another phone.  Don’t send it from your own.  Really now.  In this day and age, you don’t know better?  You can’t afford another line?  Puh-lease.  Don’t you have personal assistants?  Get one of them to run right on down to AT&T.  Or T-Mobile.  Whoever wants you to promote them.  Have the assistant put the phone in their name, say it’s just easier that way.  Then text all you want.  Or do that sexting thing.  Whatever.  Just don’t use your own phone.  (And don’t even get me started on e-mails.)

Secondly, before you have a second clandestine rendezvous with your new gal pal, do a little research.  Google is your friend.  If you’re a hot shot actor, athlete or politician, there’s a chance she might be in it for something other than the delight of your company.  Find out if she’s been on a reality show before.  If she has, take a step back, and wonder if she could possibly someday decide to use the details of your relationship to further herself.  It’s shocking, I know.  The very thought that someone could be using you to add to her fifteen minutes of fame.  The horror.

Third, don’t forget that cameras will follow you everywhere.  It doesn’t have to be paparazzi, all it takes is one lone grainy image put on a MySpace or Facebook, and you’re busted.  Duh. 

And finally, when you get caught, because you will get caught, don’t act all shocked that the press is hounding you.  If not for the press, news of all the wonderful things you’ve done before this little mishap and all your prior achievements wouldn’t have made the rounds.  What makes you think they’re going to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to the little hottie that was worth risking your marriage and potentially your career over?  It doesn’t matter that she’s only doing it for the publicity, it’s still newsworthy, and you should know that by now.  (Just like she should know that the absence of a wedding band on a married man does not make him any less married.)

If all of these tips seem like too much of a challenge for you, I offer this suggestion:

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

Go back home to your wife.  Counseling is probably cheaper than a $4 million ring.  It’s GOT to be cheaper than divorce, especially when you consider the cheapest settlement on the Top 10 list is $10 million.

Hope that helps!

Sincerely,
Vanessa

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Amy permalink
    December 2, 2009 4:53 pm

    Well said Vanessa! Now the question is how to get the Male Celebrities who can’t keep it in their pants to follow your blog so they will see it!

  2. December 2, 2009 5:23 pm

    word.

  3. December 3, 2009 1:16 pm

    I second Winn… word word.

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